OK

It was rough

I tried to look tough
Never had it in me
so I tried to hide away
I kept it inside so I’d look OK
Said a few words
But I really never felt that way
The whole world tried to push me
Deep inside, I wanted it to stay
I wanted how the things were
When she never went away
But the feelings grew in me
And it tried to eat me, insane
Before I knew it,
I was killing my self slowly
Tearing myself to pieces,
It all made me empty
Now I’m jotting this words
By part by heart
It’s all I can do
To keep my head from frenzy
It’s all been a question in the past
A lingering issue
I thought would never last
Am I still sulking or
Have I moved on already?

And when I had the answer
all I felt was vague
Was I really over
or was I just playing tough
Was I dissatisfied
or did I have enough?
Did I feel low
knowing I had no control?
Did I want revenge
feeling I wasn’t loved at all?
I never knew what was coming
and I shunned the world away
I let it boil inside me
until it holed a way
The words clattered in my head
telling me things what not
There are things I could understand
and those which I cannot
And when my eyes were open
it suddenly dawned to me
I’m better off a friend
than what we used to be

Turmoil

"Gumulo ang buhay ko dahil sa'yo!" kanina pa ako binabagabag ng mga salitang yan.
"Gumulo ang buhay ko dahil sa'yo!" 'di ko alam kung dapat ko bang paniwalaan, pero parang gusto ko na rin. Ang tagal ko na dapat kasing naiwasan 'to, nalampasan, pero bakit ganun? Sa tuwing malapit ko nang makamit ang kalayaan, sa tuwing malapit na kitang makalimutan, laging gumagawa ang pagkakataon ng bagay upang bumalik ang lahat, upang lalo pang tumindi, upang mapalapit pa ako lalo sa'yo.

Ayaw kong isipin na ito'y tadhana. Lalo akong nahihirapan na maka-move on pag yun ang iniisip ko. Lalo akong umaasa. Bakit nga ba ako umaasa? Ilang beses mo na rin sinabi sa'kin na wala kang nararamdaman sa'kin, na ayaw mong magkaroon tayo ng emosyonal na relasyon . Pero bakit parin ako umaasa? Ganoon na siguro ako katanga, laging umaasa sa bagay na wala, laging naghihintay sa bagay na di darating, lagi na lang. Ito nga ba yung "pagmamahal" o "kahangalan" lang?

Gusto ko nang bumitaw. Pero alam ko na di ko pa nagagawa ang kaya kong gawin. May magagawa pa ako, ngunit walang pagkakataon, o di ko makita ang pagkakataon. Sawa na rin ako sa lumilipas na pagkakataon. Kung magkaroon lang sana ulit.


"Gumulo ang buhay ko dahil sa'yo!" Hindi, ayaw ko maniwala. Sumaya nga buhay ko dahil sa'yo. Kaya siguro ayaw ko pa sumuko. Kaya di pa ako maka-move on. Kaya ayaw ko pa mag-move on. Takte yan!

Mix Up

Left
We're now down to the last few days of the academic year and I'm still apparently hanging by a thin strand into surviving my fourth year in U.P. and my fifth year in college in general. I've gotten a bit lax as time passed and I'm feeling my last days of my U.P. life is about to end without having a grand conclusion to my college life as a whole. I've always been pessimistic during these times of the semester because honestly, I never did try to excel in my studies to a point that I never had a semester free of a failing grade for the past years. I'm a lax person. Then again, what has really bothered me is the fact that almost everyone in my generation(batch) is about to graduate and I'm already feeling tired hearing people about their excitement that in a few weeks' time, their college life would be over. I'm jealous of them. But then again, I have to struggle because sooner or later, with the way I live my life, I'd be the last one left. What a great way to start hell week!


Down
I feel lazy today. It's been one of my most unproductive days as an "enthusiastic" person. Yesterday, I was excited to go home because I know today had a task that I'd really enjoy. I really didn't plan on going home prior to yesterday because I know I have lots of things to do this weekend and I can't be bothered. But I had to sacrifice a bit so I'd be able to chauffeur my mom to and from the office. Asll I need then was just the proper tool. Turns out, the last minute deprived me of the proper tool.
I can't count the many times I've driven a manual transmission car without an instructor bugging my right ear. Then again, those instances were in the parking lot of the office when I had to move the car to let another get in or out the driveway, which by the way only required two gears: first and reverse. Driving a manual for more than those two gears was my kryptonite. I've only driven thus once so goodluck to me when my mom asked to drive the manual.
Actually, another car was available and joy of joys it's an automatic transmission. But my mom was afraid that I'd end up with an accident with it so she said we'd just commute to the office. Damn! What a wasted day! And I'm pissed! My spirits are at an all time low. I feel that my mom doesn't trust me. In her eyes, I'm always under my brother's shadow. Another great way to start hell week!

Up
In my many times riding the bus with anyone, only six people had me pumped up into talking with them for the whole trip. I prefer sleeping whenever I travel so, the person depriving me of sleep must really be interesting to get me into a conversation the whole trip.
Light beamed at me asking me to read something on my phone. It was the most interesting message I've received in months and the conversation that followed was even more unexpected. I can't say it's the happiest conversation I've ever had but it's one I'd never forget. A conversation with hushed voices in a noisy bus, that was a challenge! I'm really glad that I had that conversation. Now, that's a better way to start hell week!


Right
I was spilling beans out, a whole bunch of spoiled ones actually, but then you always tried to change the topic. I didn't get why you did that but I realized something. Problems come everyday. Some one can do something about, some none. The only thing one has to do is stand up and move on. Dwelling on the problem won't solve anything. Move on. Many things will come on the way. Walk tall. Live with no regrets. There's always light after the dark.
Bring it on hell week!!!!

BBS

Let's just end it with "I like(d) you" XD

The Chaos

He _____ her, she _____ another
He tries to _____ away and to _____ on.
But every time their paths ____, the ______ return.
Every time they _____, things ______ and he starts to _____ again.
Maybe its time he ________. Bid ________